


Destruction Of Government Property

by MaximumMarygold



Series: Tumblr fics [4]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: M/M, marine!Derek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 22:30:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3913039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaximumMarygold/pseuds/MaximumMarygold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not like Stiles Stilinski had never been in trouble before. Nah, he and Scott McCall had seen more than their fair share of the inside of the principal’s office and the sheriff’s station during their wild and crazy teenage years -Coach Finstock still refused to open his own birthday presents.</p><p>But there was one instance that took the cake. One instance that he would tell to all of Scott’s children and grandchildren. One instance that was probably the… fifth best thing to ever happen to him, hands down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Destruction Of Government Property

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a Tumblr post:
> 
> "AHAHAHAHHAA MY FRIEND GOT IN TROUBLE FOR “DESTRUCTION OF GOVERMENT PROPERTY” GUESS WHAT SHE DID?? SHE GAVE HER HUSBAND A HICKEY. HER HUSBAND IS A MARINE, THE HICKEY WAS VISIBLE WHILE HE WAS IN UNIFORM, SO SHE GOT A CALL SAYING “YOU HARMED GOVERNMENT PROPERTY, DON’T DO IT AGAIN” I’M DYING"

It’s not like Stiles Stilinski had never been in trouble before. Nah, he and Scott McCall had seen more than their fair share of the inside of the principal’s office and the sheriff’s station during their wild and crazy teenage years -Coach Finstock still refused to open his own birthday presents.

But there was one instance that took the cake. One instance that he would tell to all of Scott’s children and grandchildren. One instance that was probably the… fifth best thing to ever happen to him, hands down.

Because Stiles Stilinski, for all of his infamous authority issues, married a _Marine_ (and earned himself a spot on the state news when the fucker had decided to surprise him at his college graduation. “Oh, my plane doesn’t leave until that morning there’s no way Ill be home in time” his ass) .

There was a lot that went into marrying someone in the military, not just on the legal side -was he going to change his name? Fuck he needed a military ID. No he’d never been convicted of a serious crime please stop- , because deploitations not withstanding (Derek had been to Iraq twice and Kuwait once already, if they wanted to take him again they were going to have to pry him out of Stiles’ cold, dead hands) Stiles had to deal with moving every four years, ridiculous eighteen hour work days, and “upholding the reputation of the United States of America”.

That last one was the one Stiles had the most trouble with. Not just because at this point the ‘reputation of the United States of America” seemed to be the weekly shootings of unarmed black people for literally no reason, homophobia, and unbelievable misogyny (also capitalism. Whoever thought  _that_ was a good idea needed to be hit in the head with a house), but because  _APPARENTLY_ leaving a hickey on his husbands jawline was “destruction of government property” .

Seriously. He couldn’t make this shit up. 

The call came at eight AM the morning after his and Derek’s fifth anniversary, which just made everything all the funnier since five was the  _wood_ anniversary and of course Derek went to work with hickies that morning. Like, come on. 

Stiles fumbled for his phone, still cocooned in the blankets on his and Derek’s bed because it was  _eight_ in the morning and he hadn’t gotten to sleep until  _four._

He grunted in muted, sleepy triumph as his fingers closed around the evil buzzing thing that had disrupted his sleep and swiped his thumb over the green ‘answer’ bar, pressing down on ‘Speaker’ a moment later because his arms were still not willing to work properly after trying to hold up his weight for a ridiculous amount of time the night before.

“’Ello?” He mumbled.

“Mr. Hale?” The woman’s voice on the other end asked.

“Mmm, no. This is his husband; Derek left for work two hours ago.” Stiles rolled onto his back, dragging a hand down his face slowly.

“You kept your maiden name?” Her voice was colored with surprise.

“Is it really a ‘maiden’ name if I’m a dude?” Stiles mused. 

“I’m not sure.” The woman said, “But I’ve been instructed to issue you a warning.”

Stiles’ eyes shot open in alarm, “That sounds ominous.” He croaked, “Did I get Derek in trouble?” He really did not want to get Derek in trouble. Contempt for the country or not this was Derek’s _life,_  and for some reason or another Derek felt thatjoining the military was a fine way to spend that life and dammit, Stiles was going to support him.

“Only a little.” The woman coughed but it sounded enough like a giggle that Stiles’ chest loosened. “Really, the warning is for destruction of government property.”

“Destruction of..” Stiles’ eyebrows wrinkled, “Okay, I’ll bite, what the hell did I break?”

This time she outright giggled, “Your husband.”

The snort came from absolutely nowhere but Stiles was too amused to be properly horrified at the sound, “I’m not sure how that’s a thing, I’m the one who winces every time I move.”

“So he’s as good in bed as he looks?” The woman squeaked and Stiles decided they needed to be _friends_.

“Better.” Stiles grinned. Because there was a certain kind of security in knowing that your husband loved you that gave you the confidence to talk about him.

“Lucky.” She breathed before clearing her throat, “But uh, Sergeant Hale came in today with a… bruise… visible on his person.”

“On his jaw.” Stiles knew the bruise well, he’d spent ten minutes the night before making sure it was just right. He was fucking  _proud_ of that bruise. 

“Yes.” The woman confirmed, and wow Stiles needed to ask her her name, “And his C.O. is less than pleased.”

“It was our anniversary!” Stiles defended himself, “Our  _fifth_ anniversary, it’s a big deal. Five years of marriage and we’re not trying to recreate Gone Girl.”

“Either way, you’ve damaged government property and we’re going to have to ask you not to do that.” 

Now people were ‘Government property’? That’s it, he was moving to New Zealand. At least they had The Hobbit.

“To be clear,” Stiles said, “it was only a problem because you could see it.”

“Exactly.” 

“Noted. Hey, what’s your name?” He finally got around to asking.

“Kira.” She said, “Tell you go by something that’s not the keyboard smash I’m looking at.”

Stiles laughed, “Stiles. And if that’s all I’m going to go and call my best friend so I can tell him this story.”

“I should probably get back to work.” Kira mumbled reluctantly.

“You have my number, text me. We’ll do drinks.” Stiles promised.

As soon as they hung up Stiles was dialing Scott, eight-fifteen in the morning be damned he  _had_ to hear this story. 


End file.
